The Trials and Tribulations of Misspent Youth

Whoo Hoo!!! Easter Post

2008-03-23T21:34:00.014-05:00

Ok, today was great!. My kids were lookin soooo good! (pics included) And we had a really great day.

Last week, I was getting ready to take the kids shoppin for Easter outfits, when they came home from AWANA. The first thing I hear is "Daddy, Mrs Rebecca needs to talk to you." My heart sunk. All I could think is “What did he do now?” Well, as it turns out, he didn’t do anything. Mrs. Rebecca and her husband, Mr. Robert, just wanted to ask if they could take my kids shopping for Easter outfits. At first, I thought about saying no (its that whole charity thing) then I remembered that they can’t have kids. When I think of that, and of the way my kids have kinda wiggled their way into everyone’s hearts, then I know they offered to do it because they wanted to do something for the kids, not because they thought we needed it. So, with that I put my heart at ease and made the arrangements for them to go.

I was glad I did, the kids had so much fun, and came back with so much stuff… A had a nice suit (pin striped), dress shirt, and new dress shoes. B had 2 nice dresses, matching shoes, and a new pair of sandles. They were so happy when they got back, I have never seen them smile so much.

Any way, the kids were so excited that they were up at 6:00 trying to get dressed…I got up around 7:00 and Pearl came by to help with getting B ready (I suck at girl’s hair… still). We took them to Sunday School, then headed off to breakfast (Waffle House J ) That brings us to the service. Pearl and I sat up close cause both A and B had solos today! They were Great!!! This was A’s first solo. I was so proud. It was Amazing Grace (my favorite hymn). He was so nervous, but he toughed it out and got up there and sang away.

After words, we headed off to the park for a few hours of play. That was a lot of fun too. We never did figure out how to get that stupid boomerang to come back to us. We must have tried 100 times or more, and I only made it work 2 times (the sucky part is I threw it differently each time) We had to settle for the usual; baseball, football and such.

All in all, it was a great day! Oh, happy birthday, you. Not sure why I still remember, I can’t even remember my own most of the time.

I feel like crap!!

2008-02-29T05:32:00.003-06:00

My throat hurts and I feel like I barely have the will even go through the motions today. I think I have just let myself get rundown. I hate it when I get sick.....

I had to pull A out of BBall. He's been getting in trouble lately for screaming, hitting and doing stuff he should not be doing. After 2 of these incidents, back to back, I told him that I put him in hte BBall because of the way his behavior was improving, and that if he didn't get his anger or emotions under control I would have to take him out. That lasted 3 days, then he hit a boy with a jumprope and then through it at the DayCare counselor (hitting her in the face). So, bye bye BBall. Its a shame too, cause he was good when he listened to the coach. I really liked watching his games...

Ok, now for some good news, sorta. I think the job in Gonzales is still on the table. I turned it down a while back because it did not feel right. They are a client of my current employer, and it felt wrong to go and take them away. And at that time, I don't think the company would have made it if I did. I still don't think they will make it, but for different reasons now. Then, the problem was that nobody wantd to do their job. That has gotten better, and Henry hired his "Golden Child," and he is reasonably intelligent - however, he will not follow directions. several times, I have seen him on something, and it was something the company had run into before, so I tell him how to handle it. Most people would atleast try it. Not him, he has to waste atleast 3 more hours on a dead end, then try it (maybe)...

I still have mixed feelings about that job. I will pay better(about 6000 better). And I think it would be a great place to work (people wise). I think the work will be extremely challenging. The only real draw back is the drive. I think I have maybe psyched myself out about it too... I guess I need to make a decision, I just don't know what decision to make.

Another Sparatic Post :)

2008-02-22T01:03:00.002-06:00

Hmmm, what should I blog about? Well, there is A. He seems to be relapsing a little. He has had 2 very angry outbursts at daycare this week. I don't know what's going on, but they were pretty bad. For the first one, he shoved a little girl and called her an "N" ... What is up with that? He should not even know that word. And it was a sweet little girl any way. The next day he was repeated screaming at his sister, then he kicked her and took his game that he loaned her and smashed it... He is already punished for a lot of other stuff that has been happening, so we had a talk, and if it happens again, he is coming out of basketball. I am not taking him in public if he is going to behave this way...

There's also my little Pearl. Things are ok there, but we did have an issue just before Vday... I planned a really great present, one that she knew I wanted to do. But apparently, she could not wait for me to do it. At the same time, she was moving. It was ugly. She hurt my feelings / pride buy not letting me give her the present she wanted; and it bothered her that I didn't help her move. But I really didn't want to anyway, due to something she had said (months ago) to her friends that were helping her move. We eventually talked about it and its OK now.

Ooh! I can't forget about work. I regret not taking that other job in Gonzales every day. Some days I want to quit so bad that I can barely stand to go in. There have been several days where I haven't done anything at all.

In general, things should be ok. I have a good girl that really cares about me. I have a Job that pays the bills. And I have 2 wonderful kids that love me. But sometimes I think about things that could have been, maybe even should have been. I remind myself that I am here for a reason, but it just seems like there was a time in my life when I was more passionate, creative. A time when my feelings, good and bad, were tangible. Sometimes it hurt, but when it didn't... :)

Well, I guess thats all the soul searching I can do for 1 night.....

Dang, Its been a while!

2008-01-29T20:29:00.001-06:00

As you can see, I am as bad as ever at keeping up with this stuff.... Oh well, I guess that will never change...

Being that the last post was the letter to the school board, I should probably start off with the results of that.... They suck! Basically, they said "I hear you but it doesnt matter. In Livingston Parish we Always suspend kids for that." What a crock! But what can I do... besides move to a different school district.... As it is, I have to ride A all the time... So far, so good - but we have a very long way to go til May...

Ok, so their mom called me 2 weeks before Christmas, she wanted to have the kids for the Holidays. This is hard, because I wanted the kids. I had made plans, and what the Hell does she ever do for them that I should go out of my way for her? On the other hand, the kids really want to spend time with her... I finally decided, that it was more important that our kids lear who their mother is than it is for me to spend a little more time with them... I told the kids and soon we headed off to meet her 1/2 way... The truly amazing thing is that she actually showed up. They spent the whole 2 weeks there and I think it is helping them to understand why they live with me... Since they have been back, she has called a few times, but it seems to be slacking off again, I guess we will see how it goes soon enough...

Well, I'm tired of typing, so I guess I will fill in more later :)

A letter to the school board

2007-12-09T23:11:00.000-06:00

December 7, 2007

Livingston Parish School Board Hearing Officer

P. O. Box 1130

Livingston, La

70754

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to formally request an appeal of the suspension of W. A. G., which was given to him on the afternoon of Tuesday, December 4, 2007 by Mrs. Painter at Southside Elementary.

According to the calls and documentation that I received from Mrs. Painter on Tuesday, this incident appears to be centered around the poking of another student with a thumb-tack while at lunch in the cafeteria. A. was given 2 days of suspension for the poking of the student and an additional day of suspension for “stealing” – as he took the thumb-tack form the door of another classroom while running errands for his teacher.

While I do feel that both of these items are inappropriate, and should be addressed, I do not feel that either of these merits suspension. A. maintains that the poking of the student was accidental, and occurred after he was bumped into while playing with the thumb-tack. Additionally, I have heard numerous accounts of lesser punishment being handed out for similar incidents at schools in Livingston and surrounding parishes. Most of these involve contacting the parents and some form of in-school disciplinary action such as a trip to the office, no recess, paddling, and detention.

I do understand that past incidents have to be taken into consideration, and am aware that he has had violent outbursts in the beginning of the year. I have always supported the school and their disciplinary actions in the past – when they were warranted. However, I do not believe that the school administration has taken into consideration anything other than the fact that he has had 2 other suspensions. I do not feel that they have actually compared the incidents in any way. If they had, they could not fail to see that his past incidents were very violent and angry in nature. They were the actions of a very different boy, who was angry and hurt by his circumstances, a boy who spoke of wanting to die or just go to Hell because that is what he deserved. This incident is what I would consider the poor judgment of a 9 year old boy, which should be dealt with like it was any other 9 year old at the school.

As a direct result of the previous incidents at school and the very beneficial input offered by the school administration and teachers, I have sought professional help for my son. He has been actively participating in weekly counseling sessions with a professional counseling service. Since he begun these sessions, everyone has seen a complete turnaround in his attitude, behavior and performance. I have received several calls from school personnel to comment on these changes; additionally he has become more involved with friends and church activities. In my opinion, we are dealing with a different child than the one that began school in August.

I have also heard that there were 2 other similar incidents that weighed on Mrs. Painters decision to suspend A. for the 3^rd time. The only one that I know about is an incident where he brought an upholstery needle to school. At the beginning of class, he removed it from his back-pack and brought it directly to his teacher, Mrs. Wolfarth. I received a call later that morning from Mrs. Pasha to verify that he got it from where he said, and to compliment him on showing good judgment and taking it directly to his teacher as soon as he found it. As for the “other” incident, Mrs. Painter did not bother to elaborate on it, and I have never been contacted by the school to discuss it.

As I have mentioned, this is A.’s 3^rd suspension. I will be the first to admit that the first 2 suspensions were warranted and justified. I regret that I was blind to the more serious nature of the first of these, and delayed in seeking professional help. I have rectified that and it is working. A. is finally getting some self confidence and a drive to please me and his teachers. I fear that this suspension is going to cause a set-back with his progress, and be counter productive to achieving the end result that we all should want – a well adjusted child that will succeed in school and life.

What’s more, based on the phone conversations I had with Mrs. Painter, I am afraid that she may have been personally hurt or offended by A. in 1 or more of his previous outbursts. The tension that I heard in her voice seemed to go deeper than the frustration she would feel at having to suspend a child from school. If coupled with what I feel is an obvious over-reaction to typical school incidents – I get the feeling that A. is being set up for failure.

A. is not the same now as he was then. I am not making excuses for his behavior, but pointing out that I have come to understand his behavior and the help that I have sought is paying off. While past behavior should weigh on any decisions that are made, it should weigh-in in its entirety; this includes the action, circumstances and results of those past incidents.

A. has worked hard to adjust. His behavior is much improved. He has a more sincere and helpful attitude, and his grades are finally starting to reflect the kind of work that I know he is capable of. He is proud of what he has accomplished. I do not know how to maintain this type of attitude when everything he has worked for will be negated. The 0’s that he received for the tests he has missed this week are sure to pull his grades back down to where they were before or lower. He now has to go to school everyday with a reminder that the school will Expel him if he does anything wrong. Is this the kind of stress and pressure that we want to put on a student that has verbally and physically expressed suicidal thoughts? Is this how we build up a child with low self-esteem? Is this how we show a child that we want him to succeed?

If discipline is needed, I am the first to get onboard. But the punishment should fit the misdeed. In this instance, it does not. I am asking that the school board please reconsider A.’s suspension and allow him to make up the work he has missed. He is working hard to become a great student, let’s encourage that. If we want him to be a well adjusted boy, then let’s treat him like the other boys – until the situation requires us to treat him differently. If not, we are only reinforcing his own notion that he is not good enough to be with everyone else.

Sincerely,

Kids will be the death of me ;-)

2007-12-05T05:10:00.000-06:00

So, I get a call from the school yesterday. A is being suspended. Apparently he poked a kid with a thumb-tack. I know he has had a lot of issues with behavior at school, but this isn't any where near that level of incident. Since I have had him in counseling, his grades are going up; his behavior is WAY better, and his personality is changing to that of a little boy who is a bit hyper and a little self conscious - as opposed to that of an angry boy who can't control his temper and has no respect for authority. The more I think about it, this is seeming like over kill.

Yes, I understand that it is wrong to poke some one with a thumb-tack, I don't dispute that. But how many kids at this school have done the same thing and received only a mark on the board, or a few minutes in the principals office? How many other kids have done that and worse, and only lost a recess? I am not saying that he should not be punished, but a suspension is a bit extreme.

They justify it by saying he was warned several times about this, but that is a partial truth. Yes he was warned about having sharp objects at school. this happened a week ago when he brought an upholstery hook to school. But they didn't find the hook, he took it to his teacher at the beginning of the day and said I found this in my booksack. As for why he had it, that's easy, its mine, and its cool looking. He had it, maybe just looking at it, maybe trying to sew up his booksack, maybe some other reason all together. It is one that I had, it was threaded when he found it (but not when I got it back from the school), I don't know what he had done with it or how long he had it. All I know is last Monday, he took it to his teacher when school started and said this was in my booksack.

That is the only warning I know about. Mrs. Painter also cited another warning. Specifically she said he had been warned twice, but she never offered a date or any details about this supposed other warning. The only other recent thing was an incident of disrespect (actually several during the day.) This was dealt with. But I feel that maybe they are holding grudges.

A has had a lot of problems this year. He became very troubled, which manifested in violent outbursts, self-degradation, and very hurtful speech toward himself and others. He has been seeing a counselor who has helped tremendously. His grades are up, all of them. Since counseling has started, he is like a different kid. I have gotten numerous compliments from others on the positive changes in his behavior and attitude, including from the school and his church. However, when I was speaking with Mrs. Painter yesterday, I got the impression that she is not weighing yesterdays incident on its own merits, or viewing it in the light of his recent turnaround. Yes, he has had violent outbursts (throwing books and yelling) but poking a kid with a thumb-tack is not a violent outburst - not even close. Did I mention that they included stealing in his list of "charges" ... apparently he took the thumb-tack from the wall or door of another classroom while running errands..... I think stealing is a bit strong of a description of that, but they used that to add another day to his suspension.

I think this is going to set him back rather than help with the situation. He is convinced that he isn't capable of going to school. Not to mention, I am sure he feels like all the hard-work he has put into improving his behavior and grades these past couple of months was for nothing. This leaves me unsure of what reaction I should have. I know he broke a rule and should be punished. But with the level of overkill they are exercising here, I am not sure it is possible for me to be fair to him. I don't believe this was a serious incident and warrants more than a talking to. But it is also his 3rd suspension this year, and now I will miss 3 days work in order to take care of him, both of which are very serious. I suppose the only thing I can do is punish him for what I see as wrong. For having a thumb-tack at lunch, for lying about where he got it, and for getting suspended.

Already ? !

2007-12-02T11:43:00.000-06:00

Yep, here it is, Christmas time again... So far, it is like every other Christmas I have had. the crap is already starting and I am sure it won't let up any time soon. Have i mentioned that I don't much like Christmas?

Anyway. 1) Not long ago, Regions screwed me on my account. 2) I now have an extra $200 monthly coming out of my funds for some stuff going on with Adrian. 3) I got a promotion and a raise, only it is not much of a raise. I basically just takes away my overtime, but will require me to do more in the evenings in order to prepare for the next day.... 4) I screwed up and did not get my time sheet done before 8:00 am on Monday, then at 8:00 I was trying to help everyone else get theirs in and my bosses submitted the payroll at 8:05. They never submitted it until after lunch before this. So I was out a full weeks pay until the next payday, which will be in 1 more week. 5) Oh, and this past week was my last week on hourly. Since I have tons to do, I figured I would knock it out and get a fat OT check before the Holidays. Not! I ended up sick. I missed 2 full days due to some stupid stomach virus. Normally that won't keep me away from work, but this one was a Doozie....

So, as usual, I am heading into Christmas wishing it were July. Happy Holidays everyone....

Fancy Meeting You Here

2007-11-14T22:19:00.000-06:00

I was out the other day. Actually, I was working. Pearl was nice enough to watch my kiddies for me so that I could go in and help the bosses relocate our inventory. It was only going to take a couple hours, and so she offered. While I was doing that, she took them shopping. Afterward, I called and she was eating out at a fast food restaurant. I Smelled like dirt and looked like crap, but I headed that way to meet them and eat and get the kiddies.... You will never guess who I ran into there. Lady S.

There I was, sitting at the table. Kids were playing and Pearl was ordering for me, when up walked this cute, smiling, curly haired kid..... Yep, it was her boy... then she came over holding a little blond curly haired angel. It felt really good to see them. It was a little awkward, being I haven't seen her in over a year, but it was good.

The kiddies saw them and immediately had to go and visit for the remainder of the time we were there. An the way out, I went say bye. I took Pearl, I didn't want her to think I was hidin anything or trying to keep them apart.. I don't know why a woman would think that, but they are wierd creatures....

Anyway.... I try a couple days later to sent a myspace msg, but now I have to be her friend to do that, and that would only cause issues with her new husband.... so this will be the only record that I am acknowledging her...

By the way... Landrie is Precious!!!!!

Have I mentioned that work sucks?

2007-11-01T02:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I am a manager now. Not really where I wanted to go, but I can deal with it... I am good at it, but I don't like people giving stupid excuses that don't even have a creative or original flair (this is important to me, as all excuses are usually a lie) Here I am, thinking that I am doing a damn good job, when I get called into one of the boss' office and told that I am not to "tell" any of the techs anything anymore. That there have been "complaints" ... I was told that my job is to motivate and encourage people and that is it. That i have no business telling anyone what to do or "picking on them" about their daily and mandatory time entry...

What was I thinking... How could I let things like this (the lowest ticket count in 6 months, or technicians who are actually closing (not just working) 10 to 25% more tickets than ever, or decreased incident response time ) lead me to foolishly believe I was doing a good job...... I must be a moron - Well, its either me or my bosses... and my money is on them!

Here is the scoop, I check daily time entry every morning (5 min of my time) and as the technicians come in, I give them enough time to update their tickets before I start handing assignments. I have said things like, "Erick, I see you didn't get a chance to document all your time, go ahead and take 30 min or so and knock that out" or "James, if you would, catch up your time from yesterday then head out to customer X"... Apparently it is now considered inappropriate for a manager to ask someone to do anything that is apart of their job within earshot of another technician... Hmmm.... Maybe my bosses just need to ask their wives for their balls back, that would probably be the quickest fix for all this mess...

Instead, I get ham-stringed.... I am no longer to do anything that remotely resembles management... yet that is still my title, and I still have to sit in front (but seperated from) everyone... I am supposed to say things like the back office wants you to do this. or Henry said do that....

the resignation letter is typed, thy have until Monday to define my role as it is now.

People make me angry!!

2007-10-20T20:03:00.000-05:00

First- UberTech decides to "protest" everything at work by not actually accomplishing anything. He is supposed to get as much as possible done at this particular client so that they don't fire us. but all day long I heard "I don't have CD's for this" or "there isn't a code for that" or my favorite "those codes won't work" - Well it was all BullShit!... the one app that didn't have a code.... I had a tech kill an hr on the phone with the vendor to get it, and I found out today, it was in the folder with the rest of the stuff all along. The app with no cd, well it was already downloaded on to the server and in a folder under IT_Dept that was labled with the name of the app.... oh yeah... the other one, well all I heard is how those keys won't work so we have to have the originals.... I tried those keys on an updated version of the software, and guess what? IT worked.....

Since he didn't finish, I knew I would have to go out. So, what do you think happened, my sitter changed her plans. And not just Any sitter, its my G/F. and she didn't change her plans because there was something that had to be done, nope. It was because she didn't want to tell her parents (she is 26) that she had agreed to look after my little ones so I could work. That seems small until you consider that she has told her parents that we are not dating (because they don't like me) and has been lying to them for nearly a year... So instead of coming clean with her parents, she leaves me hanging. And she is the first one to bitch about my other friends if they aren't chomping at the bit to pay me back for something that I did for them....

And that brings me to actually going onsite to do the work.. with my kids. I will have to say that my kids' behavior was pretty good... however I was there for 10 hours... They were not perfect... and I did get aggravated with all of the can I go here, and I need water. Then the arguing started..... By the end, I was ready to quit and move to Arkansas.

2007-10-16T22:29:00.000-05:00

2 days as a manager and I am ready to burst. How do people do this on a daily basis. It is crazy!!! I have bosses running around like they hate the world. Techs, who are walkin the line, ready to snap. People who can't follow simple directions, and clients who think their 10K a year actually means that they can get atleast 1 tech any time they want and that it doesn't matter that they are already allocated.....

arrrgh i am too tired to finish this post

Work Sux

2007-10-12T06:52:00.000-05:00

Yeah, It still sux!... I don't know what keeps me there. I am not really happy. I guess maybe I assume my life is supposed to be a little crappy at all times.

I just got a promotion yesterday. They made me Co-Technical Services Manager/ Client Manager. This now makes the 4th time I have been promoted to Client Manager by these guys... There was a little money, 3000, but I go from hourly to salary, so I actually lose a little money. Not to mention, that I still have a lot of stuff to do after hours, and I won't get compensated for that.. I know they say I will get comptime, but who will watch the techs.... My co-manager has a ton of Programming that he has to tend to. So, pretty much I had to bend over and take it.

On top of that, we are going to lose 1 of our best techs... Miss B is going to jet because they have now taken away all her technical duties. She is not happy! They keep yanking her chain and I think she has had enough. Its sad, because she is a Damn-good helpdesk tech.

Diggin around in the Memory-Vault..

2007-10-12T06:45:00.000-05:00

OK, I got to go way back for this one. You know who I spent all night dreamin about this time? It was her. The root of everything. My first - in so many ways! Yeah, well I thought about her.

In my dream, somehow I found her number and left her a voice mail... She called back later, and I was like a kid in school, hiding in the restroom to talk to her a few minutes. Then I began to imagine her life, In Georgia (I have no idea if she is there, thats just the place my brain said she would be) then I convinced her to move back here. Even to take a apartment next to mine. The funny thing is... all I did was protect her... nothing else at all... No kisses, no lovin, nothing...

I'm lost

2007-10-10T03:59:00.000-05:00

I know, it seems like I only post bad crap on here - that because I do only post bad crap. I guess I am a glass is half empty kind of guy. But, when I put it all down, it feels somehow more manageable. I think the act of putting together my thoughts to write it, actually begins the processing of the information for me.

Anyway, down to business... Things are not so good right now. My ex-wife is a no-good bitch who doesn't seem to think her kids are important enough for even 1 phone call. My children are all broken on the inside over this stuff. My girlfriend is great, but there are 3 things that will forever prevent her from being anything except a girlfriend. My bosses seem to think that appreciating me means to walk into my office everyday and say that I am not going unnoticed (then bitch and gripe about the little things that I can't finish because I am covering for them) and last, but definitely not least, my 9 year old son has threatened to kill himself. What a freakin life!!

Lets take these in order (sort of.) My ex. I don't know what to say about her, other than she is a very poor excuse for a human being. She is completely ignoring her children. I understand not remembering to call, but she has actually hung up on my son when he tried to call her! Right now, she has not spoken to her children in 6 months and has not seen her children in 14 months. she now has officially missedvmy son's last 2 birthdays. last time he at least got a call and some empty promises, this time he didn't even get that. She also missed my daughter's birthday, though she will blame that on me (i had lost my phone and didn't find it till after 10 pm and didn't ant to call as she in 1 hr ahead and lives with her parents) I did play the message for her, but that was the last time they heard from her, and it was more of a bitter msg directed toward me...

The kids don't now what to think... A is convinced she doesn't love him. I try to let them know that she has problems, and needs to get some help so that she can remember how to be a Mommy again, but they can only take so much. From their POV, she won't call; she hangs up if we try to call; she won't come see them; and she won't send them anything. To them, she is acting like she never wanted them, and it is tearing them apart. My son is taking it the hardest. He is having a lot of anger problems at school. He has been suspended twice this year for throwing things at people and making threats. Its not really helping that I have to work as much as I do, and I am trying to make positive adjustments to correct that. He is hurt and is closing himself off from everyone. He wants to hold it all in and show that he is tougher than she is, but it is coming out at the wrong time, in the wrong way, and directed at the wrong people. We have started counseling, and I thought it was helping, but then 2 days ago, he was making threats about killing himself, and wishing he was dead. We went straight back to the therapist and we both sat in a session. It looks like he was doing it more for the attention than to actually hurt himself, but he does have low selfesteem right now....

Work, that is a joke. I bust my ass, and get bitched at because a time shet isn't printed and signed. I know that is for their records. they don't use that to process payroll, only to keep as a signed record of my time.... I was busy trying to keep us from losing 3 clients early in the week, and I am sorry, but it kind of slipped my mind... I have asked to see the paperwork that I signed when I was hired, and ever since, the owners have ended every conversation between us with "your aren't going unnoticed" It is quite comical. I don't need to hear that, I need to see that. Put some money in my pocket so that I can afford to take my kids to the movies 2X a month. Make it so I don't have to wait 2 weeks till payday when the kids get a hole in their shoes... In short, don't say that you appreciate me, just appreciate me!!!

Now for Pearl, things are mostly great, except for 3 items that really irk me. 1) he is very blunt. usually this isn't a problem, except when it comes to the kids. 2) she takes no initiative with the kids. She has been my G/F for nearly a year now. Its time to step up and show them that she enjys being around them (and if she don't enjoy it, then she needs to go) 3) she has an issue with telling her parents about me. They don't like me and are very crazy (nearly psycho) so she is scared to tell them that we are together. My POV is that she is an adult, and the Hell with what they think, but don't lie to them, thats the kid thing to do....

OK, I don't really fell any better, but maybe it takes a while to set in... :)

A new post

2007-08-20T20:38:00.000-05:00

Just the other day, I realized that I have not posted anything in a very long time... Well, now I have :)

2007-04-15T18:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, another B-day wish for the cutest baby I know.... Sorry I don't have anything for you...

Enough is enough

2007-03-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

Thats it. I have had it. I am going to find me a new job. And, I am going to make sure it is as hurtful as possible to these bastards that seem to think it is ok to piss me off.... I am going to make myself as valuable as possible, then leave with no notice or documentation of what I have done.... Fuck'em! Let them figure it out for themselves.

Happy Birthday

2007-03-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

Hey you, Its been a while, and I just wanted to wish you a very hapy birthday. I know we don't talk any more, I just wanted you to know I was thinking about ya and wish only the best for ya. I hope this year is far better than any past. And I pray that you and yours are Healthy and Happy. Tell the little 'uns I said hi and give the littlest one a big ole kiss for me...

Love Ya

Shawn

-- Yeah, I know its early, but I am exhausted and want to head off to bed.... So you will just have to accept this birthday wish 3 hours early....

She left with Christopher.

2007-03-18T12:25:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have had a very wierd dream. Maybe the wierdest I have ever had. You see, I never dream about people, but last night I dreamed about 2 very specific people... I was laying in bed, next to Pearl, I was not sleeping well. In the dream, I got a call from Lady S. she wanted to meet me. I did. We talked about what she wanted and as it turned out, it was me (or actually, something I did for her and only her - and hopefully nobody else does it in my place) We decided to get each a hotel room. Once we registered for our rooms, she disappeared arond the corner ahead of me. As I rounded the corner, I ran into Mrs. Karen (from my church) who I haven't seen in 7 months. She says to me "Shawn, she left with Christopher" I asked he when and she said this morning. I continued on but I guess that had done something to me because I culd not return to the dream...

Ok thats wierd right? I mean, why would I dream about her last night, when I was laying next to a beautiful woman. And if it is as simple and me wanting her, or wanting to be able to do something that I miss - then what was that whole thing about Christoper. She isn't seeing him, she is seeing some other guy. And even more, what was Mrs Karen dong in my dream... There is no one that should be farther from sex than her....

What will it take??

2007-03-05T06:45:00.000-06:00

I woke up with dreams this morning... Right now I can't remember what happened in them- even though that was just an hour ago.... what I do remember is who they were about and how I felt and what they caused me to remember. It has been 7 months since I have seen her and still I think abut her, a lot. I don't understand why. I woke up missing her this morning and wanting to see her smile at me. As I lay there troubled that I still feel this way, it suddenly occured to me that I had forgotten to do what I had planned for an entire month... It was simple, but I wanted to say hello to her on the 25th. I wanted to mark a year with her voice. And with the crazy shit at work and all the rest- I forgot! That bothers me. But hey, she for got too.

2007-02-17T12:35:00.000-06:00

Not sure what to make of work.... I was called into one of the owners offfices yesterday.. He was happy to tell me how great I am, and how much potential I have, and how far I could go, and how much they rely on me... But through it all it feels more like baiting me..... Like they are trying to hold a carrot in front of me to get me to do what they want. "We would love to give you a raise if only...." or "You are the only person holding you back... " or "There is so much we want to do for you if only you would...." I hate that shit! If I am so damn good and they need me so damn bad, then why can I not afford daycare for my kids? If I am so damn good (and I am I just don't think they value it) then was was my 90 day eval postponed until they found a reason to reprimand me? If I am such a valualble member of the team, then why am I constantly getting "my" mistakes thrown back into my face -- especially when they are not my mistakes... They are the owners mistakes.. They are the ones that fucked up the situation by acting like I was guilty and treating me like I was guilty and not even investigationg the situation... Then they proceed to have info brought to their attention that contradicts my involvement in the situation - yet I never heard an appology.... and am infact still being punished for what they have learned is not my fault..... They bitch because I do not get my time entered into the system, I used to. I was the most billable (atleast tied for it) when that crap happened and they started treating me this way... everytime I think I am getting past it, they manage to throw it back into my face, Just last week, Harold came around and said he had a compliment from that client about me. The compliment was that I seem like I have grown up at last. What the hell kind of compliment is that? It sounds more like an insult to me... I have not grown up any more than I was, I just quit talking to everyone at that site. If I say more than 5 words, it is because I am telling them what they have been doing wrong and to stop it before they screw something else up... Since when does "does not speak" = "grown up" ?????

2007-02-13T23:46:00.000-06:00

I suppose it has been a while since I have posted anything again.... :) Well, a lot has happened. I am dating Pearl now - oficially. Little miss no show went 3 weeks without contacting me or returning my calls (I only tried the next 2 days, after that I figured I had done my part) - then texted me out of the blue... After just a few texts, she wanted to know if I was "seeing anyone" I told her I was. I think that is all she wanted as the conversation went quickly downhill after that... My son got kicked out of daycare- Now I got to find a new one... My Ex-Wife finally decided to call the kids - and threaten me. I tried to file my taxes and found out my Ex already claimed the kids Even though she has provided absolutely $0 in support this past year....

Hows that for a start??!!

Pearl and I are together now. It is still kind of wierd. She is so good to me and so very caring... She loves to be around me and to come over and do what ever we can :) Sometime I feel like she mothers me.... She has even gone as far as to tuck me in at night. Its really strange because it is not how I am used to feeling in a relationship... Sometimes when she is not around, I wonder if my feelings are as strong as I think they are, but when she is near, there is no question... I like her just being around. Sitting near me... It doesn't matter what we do. She has sat and watched me work and I was perfectly happy with that.

Somethimes though, I feel like when I talk about us there is a dark shadow over us... And I guess there is... I feel like I have done her a disjustice.. I went where I shouldn't have... atleast not yet... I should have waited, but I didn't and now --- well... I fell like I have assumed responsibility for something I cannot maintain the upkeep on... Like a kid who talks his parrents into a getting him a pet, but will not take it out for a walk or feed it. Only, I cant give it back... It seems that old problems are still haunting me -- and I am totally at a loss as to what to do about it... I am scared, and lonely and confused... In some ways having a girlfriend is more of a burden than I think I can handle, I should have left things were they were. Atleast then I didn't have to worry about this.... I mean Each time it happens it gets worse... Right now I can't even be near her without it happening, and it even happend once when I was alone (that never has happened before) It doesn't help matters any that I just realized that I have not done it without help since Jennifer left (except for 1 time with Jennifer). So far she has taken it well, but she is starting to think it is her. I know its me. I don't know what to do.

I feel like it was wrong for me to bring her to this place and not be able to continue. I feel like it is hurting her as much as it does me... It can turn a perfectly good evening into crap.. Things are fine one minute, then I just want to hide my face and not see anyone or be around anyone. It shames me.

OK, on a different note... A getting kicked out of daycare was kind of a bummer. It had been well over 2 months since his mother had talked to them, and the longer it got the more he acted out. This is just like the last time she pulled this crap. The se F'n called me that afternoon.. later that evening she called the kids and after she was through pumping the kids for info, she proceded to threaten me. So what Pearle spent the night with me -- she is living with a guy (but they are more like room mates now). I hate that bitch! THen I go to file my taxes, and apparently somebody already claimed my children on their taxes.... I wonder who that could have been. I called the IRS and I can still file, they will investigate and (hopefully) punish the fraudulent person.. Thats all fine and well, but My return is going to be severely delayed..... As soon as it is in, I am going back to the lawyer and we are going to get her to do SOMETHING for these kids....

OK, well, that is my update... maybe I won't wait so long next time...

I wonder what her excuse is this time

2007-01-20T13:41:00.000-06:00

4 times I have set up a meeting with her. Well 3, she set one of them up. And every time it has fallen through. Granted, she usually has a good reason. -- Ex showing up and starting a fight, sick kid, dead phone (maybe this one aint so good)... But I never hear about it till much later... For Christmas (She asked me to her Christmas party), I went shopping was lookin nice. Had been talking to her all week. Knew that I was going to meet her at her place, knew about when, but needed directions... an hour before, I tried to call her, and phone was disconnected... I know this wasn't her fault, I know her Ex's Mommy called and pretended to be her and had it disconnected. But it still hurt... This time We made plans to eat lunch... (the last time this happened, her phone died before we could decide when and where) I called well in advance, told her which resteraunt, and when... I was in contact with her an hour before and she seemed excited... I showed up, an hour later I left having never seen her or heard from her..... In fact I still havn't. I understand if something came up, but call. Let me know not to sit at a resteraunt all by my self lookin like a fool.. Let me know you won't be there... some common courtesy would be nice............

Am I wrong to be angry?

Am I wrong for not calling to find out what happened?

Why?

2007-01-14T21:31:00.000-06:00

Why does it still make me sad? Why does it still bring tears to my eyes? Why does it still hurt so badly?

New day -- Same confusion

2007-01-14T18:38:00.001-06:00

As if I actually thought it would get better :) I was talking to Pearl yesterday, and she wanted to re-read some of my poems... As she did, we talked about them, I explained what I was going through with each of them then I explained about the little picture in my head that inspired each one. It felt good to talk about that stuff, I enjoyed it even though it still hurts (some of it anyway) Anyhow, what I realized is this-- I am still looking for my tomorrow.... If I am lucky, this is very near my dawn, but could be just a false dawn - a reflection of what the future will be...

OK, so what is with women and not returning calls? I swear! Karen is the hardest person to actually talk to... Oh well, maybe I will hear from her soon... or maybe not... :)

Work still sucks, I posted a blog about it (not here) -- I know my employers are readin my stuff... I guess its time they know how I feel about the way they keep bringing up stuff and trying to rub my nose in it....

I wonder what is wrong with me

2007-01-11T21:32:00.000-06:00

OK, It has been forever since i posted anything. I keep saying that I am gong to do better and post more, but I always seem to get side-tracked... The sad thing is, this is when I need to put my feelings down the most.... I am sooooo confused right now. When I put them down in print, either on here or on paper, it really helps me to sort them out and make a little more sence out of thechaos in my head and heart... I really want to do better...... Anyway......

Here goes. I guess 1st of all... I have barely spoken to Lady S (yes that means we did talk - or chat rather- for only a moment.. I aplogized to her for what I had posted on the other site and we talked about why i did it.. Wat it boiled down to is that I was hurt and needed to be angry to let go. I never should have posted that for everyoe to see, but I did... We have not talked much since ( I think1 other time).

My life has been super crazy! Work is kickin my ass. It seems like all of my clients had ajor IT meltdowns last month. I worked strait through the long New Years Weekend - 8 hrs Sat, 11hrs Sunday, and 3 rs Monday..... Not to mention all the stress with the 'other' client that is a total pain in my ass.... I hope they pay their bill this time.... I even had a co-worker agree to help me out on Sunday then back out at the last minute - after I had already made plans based on it... It wasnt pretty - especially after he started cursing me... :) I recovered though, without embarassing myself to much... Ended up talking about this with HR - Not my idea, but he likes to be a whiney ass and if someone is going to threaten me (with management) then I say lets get all the cards on the table, so I called the HR meeting.... It didn't go so well for him... sadly, he is still employed, but at the rate he is going, it won't be for much longer :)

At the same time, I cannot find any one to watc my children... I know it was New Years Eve... Did they think I wanted to work? I was asking them to watch the kids during the day, til 7 pm .. they would still of had plenty of time for their parties or whatever shit they had planned... 1 supposed friend - 1 I had gone out on a limb for several times (and who has let me down before) couldn't because she was at a friends house and I did not give her enough notice.... Another friend did not want to upset her EXHusband ?? WTF That is what divorce is fore.. 1 friend was getting speakers put in her vehicle, and another just plain said no - no plans just not watching them.. Its not like I was asking them to do it for free... I was paying... and I have been told that I pay my sitters too much.. So why the hell couldn't my friends help me out??? I barely talk to them anymore.. I guess they can just go get fucked!

All this did teach me something though, You can't count on anyone... Your friends wil always be there for you -- until you need them. Your Co-workers are worthless, Management is just as bad... A person will be a lot happier if he never expects anyone to do what they should do - that way he will never be disappointed.

On the other front... I am very confused... I have been seeing a lady... Lets call her Pearl. Pearl is younger than me, very sweet, very innocent, and very pretty... She loves my kids, and my kids love her. She genuinely cares for me, she wants to spend time with me, she loves to come over and just hang out with me, and she understands that I can't just go out whenever I want.... On top of that, she just got a really great job too.. She is perfect, except for one thing.... I dont thing I want to be with her... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy myself when I am around her. I like sitting on the couch watching a movie with her in my arms... But when the phone rings, its not her that I hope is on the other end... To make matters worse, I can't make her stay away. I am lonely. She fills a certain void in my life and I dont want it to be empty again... I believe that she is NOT the one, but at the same time she is someone...

I really do care a lot about Pearl, I hope she will be my friend for a long time to come, which makes this even more complicated... I don't want to hurt her. I guess that is the only thing that is keeping me from trying to sleep with her (or it was) I know if I do, It will mean a lot to her..... a lot! I am not ready for that responsibility... I have told myself that I will not take that step until I love her. That day will probably never come.

One of the other issues with her is that she is too innocent, and I am not. She really has no idea how to deal with people.... The other night we were laying together, and she was talking about an old bfriend.. some where in the conversation she said "Do you know what erectile dysfunction is? Thats a big reason I didnt want to see him." -- that hurt... She had no Idea, but I suffer from it too (though I think mine is mostly in my head) As it is right now, I don't know if I could sleep with her if I wanted to... That one comment hurt sooo bad.... I don't know if I will ever be able to forget it. And I am sure I will always remember it at the worst times!

Now, like I said, when the phone rings, I never hope its her... I have quit hoping for Lady S, cause I know she aint callin... But I do hope Karen is calling - even though I have never met her. I have tried, but something always happens... Dead phone, crazy ex, and sick children have all conspired to keep us from meeting... Not to mention that that phone keeps dieing when I want to talk to her... So not a lot of talking and not face to face, but I am attracted to her and I don;t even know what she looks like.... How wierd is that? We will probably never meet, but that would just be par for the course with me...... My love life is so FUBARed....

That brings us to my little Buckeye girl... She is very interested, kinda jealous and VERY far away... I like talking to her, but I am not willing to enter a relationship that can not work out... I do not plan on moving to Ohio nor do I plan on only having someone around twice a year... It upsets her if she thinks I am around other women... so I try not to tell her about it when I am.... I encourage her to date, so she might meet someone, but I think she is holding our for me..... She wants to visit. but I am not sure if that is a good idea....

See, my life really is screwed up!!!!!!

Shandra, I am sorry

2006-11-18T02:08:00.000-06:00

Lady S
I have been thinking about you lately... Not like before when I was thinking about being with you.
Now I am thinking about how big of an asshole I am.  That business with Matt and marriage hit me
hard. I have no right to be angry, but I was.  I have no right to be hurt, but I was.  I lashed out. I
was mean and hurtful. I was wrong. I do hope he makes you feel like you made me feel, but only
like you did the first month.  If he truely makes you happy, then good luck and I hope ya'll make a
go of it. We never would have worked. It would have collapsed eventually any way.  I am sorry
that I cannot be your friend. It still hurts to talk to you (atleast it did the last time I tried) and I
cannot do it.  Its better this way I guess... You deserve better than what I gave you. You deserve better than the grief I still give. From the bottom of my heart, I appologize for every comment that has hurt you. For every moment of silence where I should have spoken up. For every ill feeling that I ever felt towards you. For not being big enough to be your friend.

Be happy, be healthy, and be good to your family. Maybe as time passes we can be friends. but that is a big maybe and a good ways in the future.

Loving You Always.
Shawn

Such a Fuckin Idiot!!

2006-11-05T21:03:00.000-06:00

I can't get my ex girlfried out of my head... I still love her. I have tried to, but I can't.. She has a new man now, but I still want to be with her. She talks to me, and I get the feeling she is jealous. Why would she be jealous if she does not want to be with me? Why would she want to talk to me - even though her new beau can't stand the thought of us talkin?

I thout there might still be a chance. Even if just a small one. I went to her Myspace and what do I see.. a note from him "thanks for wanting to be my wife" I was floored... so I try to talk to her about it.. she is on the phone with him, and can't spare me 5 min for atleast 3 or 4 hours (I should have took the hint there) So I wait.... 3 1/2 hrs later I start typing her a letter.. I did not know what to do with it at teh time, so I slept on it...

I did finally talk to her the next morning (this morning) and what did she say... "I am marrying him." I guess that is all I needed... I hate to throw the letter out, so I will post it here.

=====
Dearest Shandra….

I know not where to begin, so I will begin with this. I love you. I don’t know how to explain it. There are nights I wake with your name on my lips, evenings I drowse thinking of holding you, and mornings I wake with tears in my eyes. I had hoped that this would pass. That it would, at least, get a little easier - that I would not love you. It isn’t working. I do. I have. And I always will.

I know you found yourself someone else. I guess I hoped that it was just to spite me, or that it was just because you did not want to be lonely. From the looks of your page this evening, I would say that I was wrong – very… I had come to the decision this morning as I awoke with tears in my eyes; that it does not matter about Matt, or about my pride, or anything else. It only matters that I still love you and still want to be yours. I had decided to try little things… I wanted to ask you to a movie. If that went well, maybe dinner or the Renaissance festival in Hammond. I wanted to give you the opportunity to know, deep down, that I still love you. I wanted to do all of the things I neglected the first time around. This morning it did not matter if it took 6 months to get a kiss or a year to hold you… this morning all that mattered was that I love you. That I could not continue like I have been… That I am not just lonely for the touch and affection of a woman, but that I am missing you.

Its funny how one little line can change things… I am not saying that all these things are not still true, it’s just that, if you are serious about marrying him, then there isn’t anything for me… If you want to spend your life with Matt, then I was wrong. If you truly want to be his wife, then he isn’t filling the void I left, I was filling a void till he came along.

Still, I do not know what is true or not. Sometimes when we talk I feel like there is still something there. You have said that it feels “unfinished” ant I think that is the truest statement ever uttered. I know you visit my page and when I hear you mention a blog or comment, I feel an excited flutter in my chest. I wonder if it is truly over, or if it is waiting for a better time. Maybe it is waiting for me to be the kind of man you deserve.

I don’t know what to do with this. I was hoping I could talk to you tonight. Its 12:30, so I don’t know if it will happen or not… If not, I guess I will have to decide what to do with this stupid letter J maybe I should just delete it… Maybe I should send it to you… Maybe tomorrow will bring clarity.

Loving You Always.
Shawn

P.S. Just so you know, this isn’t all prompted by what I saw.. I had decided these things before… In fact, I only saw it because I had come to the decision that nothing else mattered …

====
O K that was my letter.. not the beautiful speech I had planned but it will have to do... I guess now she can just shove it up her ass....

2006-10-15T06:45:00.000-05:00

These posts are a bit too few and far between... I wish I would do better about posting stuff, but I guess I just don't fell it lately... Oh well, whats a fella to do. I guess i will just keep on as I have been and try to do a bit better :)

First of all, I hate this damn medicine!!! Its like I can't get enough sleep. By 10:30 at night I cannot hold my eyes open. That sux cause I like the evenings after the kids go to bed. Thats the only time I have to my self.. Now that is gone too... I don't like taking it, but without it, well lets just say I'm not a happy healthy person.... and I don't sleep at all....

Secondly, I still think about her. I can't figure out why, though. If any one has any ideas, I would greatly appreciate them, really, I would.... We were together just over 5 months... 1 month was perfect, 2.5 months were not that great, and 1.5 were horrible.... I blame myself for ruining it... I always have, but that does not explain why I am having so much trouble letting go... I just do not understand it... It has been over 2 months since I have seen her, yet I cannot stop thinking about her. I feel like an idiot, I really do. I wish I could get her out of my mind, but that just isn't happening. I wish I could be angry with her, cause that would help, but I am not. Its not her fault, its mine.

Thirdly, Work is a bitch... There is too much drama there. A CEO got canned, files from the HardDrive were deleted. A friend of mine was implecated. Now my boss wants to fire me cause I am on her myspace page. What a F-in crock... Says the client is putting extreme pressure on them to do it.. Now to be fair, its not all of my bosses (I have several) Its mostly one. I feel I have the others confidence, but this one is the one that is trying to (atleast I think he is) get me out. Not sure why. He is also the same one that freaked out ove a stupid accusation that turned out to be bogus (in that incident he wanted to cann me without even asking me about it).... I am trying not to get upset about it... But that is hard, It pisses me off that he pretends to be all fair, but he is the least fair of the bunch. He is the first to believe someone else, and the last to look at the whole picture....

Lastly, I dreamed last night... Thats a big deal, cause it is the first time since I figured out she was done with me. It was a stupid dream, full of gang violence and blood, but atleast it was a dream.... :) kinda glad of that...

What is wrong with me??

2006-09-30T07:11:00.000-05:00

I wish I knew what was wrong with me... Why do I feel so lonely and unloved... It has been nearly 2 months since I have lain eyes on her, but it still hurts to tink of her name. She chats with me sometimes, and I chat back.. I care. I try not to go to that other place, the place where I think about being with her... I try to keep it friendly, but it still hurts... sometimes it is hard to type with the tears streaming down my face.

At the same time, someone is interested in me. I am glad of that. I like her too. but I never get any time with her.. she lives 5 miles away and I see her less than I saw Lady S who was 35 miles away. It is very frustrating. Last night I saw her for 5 min at my house with no kids, then that was it until I had no place to take my son and she suggested I bring him by the football game with her... We watched the gam and that was it... I guess I should be thankful I got to spend that time with her.. but I was visibly disapointed that there was not more... Maybe I want too much, and maybe I should be thankful for what I do have, but it bothers me... Maybe I need to give up on it for a while and quit worrying about it... Maybe I should just decide to be alone.

2006-09-08T22:27:00.000-05:00

someone pointed out a comment that some one made to her.. about rockin his world..... that fuckin hurt. I wasnt ready for that. I did not want to know that yet.. I can't handle that.. then to top it off. she contacts me and it seems like she just wants to make sure i know she slept with him and is sleeping with him... this fuckin hurts like hell... I can;t deal with this shit... why can;t I just not talk to her. why cant I just ignore her. why the hell does it hurt so...... why?????????

Why???

2006-08-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

She contacted me today... She said she was sorry for the way things have been and said she needed to take some time. What is the point in telling me that? What does it matter if she needs a day, a week, a month or a year.... It ended. she now has all the damn time she needs. She already has demonstrated that she does not want me.. All she did was manage to make me think about her again... that sux causee I have been trying hard not to... Oh well... Back to square one!

I ended it... but only after she did

2006-08-21T06:15:00.000-05:00

I wrote her a letter yesterday. It was pointless I guess. I was breaking up with her. A definate break. None of this I don't know shit. I say it is pointless, as I fully believe she broke up with me while she was in Jamaica (though she somehow forgot to tell me). She says our relationship needs too much work. that relationships should not be work. Well tough shit. Ours needed work. We both have issues to overcome. And if she soesn't think it was worth the effort, then fuck her. I aint got time or energy to put up with someone that does not want me, I mean really WANT me. It is a miserable thing to go through life thinking you are not wanted. I have felt like that for too long and I don't intend to feel that way any more. Somebody out there will want me, and the right person wont mind if she has to put some effort into making things right.

As if the letter did not stress me enough, (I delivered it to her door) she finally called after reading it. She has barely bothered to call me since she got back, but suddenly she has the urge to call. I even called before I delivered the msg (she was at her folks house) to let her know I was on my way over. I wanted to give her a nother chance to see me, or talk to me (maybe it is I who wanted to see and talk to her) But she couldn't be bothered with it. -- So anyway she called. I was still at a friends house with the kids swimming. I did not want to do that there., so I told her. She said I could call later. I did, when I left. She couldn't talk. Was having back pain and took something that knocked her out. Said she would call me after bit when she woke up (since she took it at 3 and was out by 4, i fully assumed she would call sometime last night. Wrong again! I can't believe I actually was waiting on her to call. I can't believe I barely slept waiting on her to call again.... Fuck that shit. it is for the birds....

2006-08-19T15:08:00.000-05:00

Well, It has been a long while since I have posted anything. I guess I have gotten away from it for one reason or another, probably not even a single reason at all.. At any rate, I need to vent. A lot! Lady S and I are not together anymore. Says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She left at the beginning of this month to go to Jamaica, I was jealous. I was scared she would do things and it made me jealous... I probably only felt that way because of my own guilt, but I did. I assumed that things would end while she was there. I was feeling very selfconcious and it was making me angry, with myself, but i ended up directing it toward her. I sought to punish her because I thought she was belittleing me. I look back and I don't really think that she was doing anything intentional. She was probably just being affected by all the bad vibes I ws putting off.

Anyway, I treated her like shit. I did not spend time with her when I easily could have and I did not bother calling when I wanted to... I guess I thought I was punishing her. Or maybe I was hardening myself for the coming split. Either way, I was wrong. No sooner than she left did I realize I miss the hell out of her. By the time she got back, I had decided that i never want to be without her. Unfortunately, with 11 days to think about the horrible way I treated her, she kinda decided the opposite. When she came back, she was very cold and stand-offish. When I did get to talk to her, she sounded like she did not want to talk to me. Or that it was an inconvenience. I still have not laid eyes on her since she has been back and have only had a few short phone conversations.

I did write her a letter telling her how I feel, how I was feeling, what I want, and apologizing for the way I behaved... She got it, but really does not have any type of response for me. Other than to say my txt msgs scare her. I think I should probably leave her alone. I am afraid that I really am bothering her, that she really does not want anythiongto do with me anymore. and that she is starting to think I am a stalker....

I suck!

2006-06-20T12:46:00.000-05:00

I had a horrible birthday, but it was also great. I seem to have forgotten that part. Lady S had a really rotten day, but still, she managed to pick me up a cake. Her and the kids all sang happy birthday to me and I had a present. On top of all of that, I got to spend some time with her. It did not go sour until later that night. It was partially my fault too. I know how sensitive she is about certain things, but I still opened my big mouth. No, she should not be that sensitive, but she is and I knew it. Have known it. I should have kept my mouth shut.

I don' t know why I choose to only see the bad things. I never see, remember or compliment the good things. For that, I suck!

A breakThrough!!!

2006-06-14T22:33:00.000-05:00

Finally, a great night. A night like I remember. We had fun just being around eachother again. I talked to her after work. She was miffed cause she had noone to watch the baby while she tanned. I offered, and surprisingly she accepted. I went over and she arrived shortly after. She fixed dinner for me again (its been a while). It was a simple meal, but it was great if for no other reason than she put effort into fixing it for me. after we ate, she headed off to tan. The baby, of course, woke up immediately aftrer she left, but no biggie. I held her and rocked her till she fell back asleep. When Lady S came home, we watched that dang Dancing show and talked about our favs... Afterward, as I headed home, she kissed me, just a peck. There was a good hug too. I went for a better kiss, and she shut me down. Only this time it was different. She was playing with me, and that felt good.... I did finally get me a good kiss though. I love the way she kisses me!!!

A great night. I hope there are more like this. I smiled the whole way home!

Bad dog, no biscuit

2006-06-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I went by to see her this morning... Not sure if that was a good idea or not... I am thinking probably not... She did not seem too thrilled that I had called. then she was quick to tell me that there would be no hankey pankey.... and then she compared me to a stalker..... as if all that wasn't enough, she was a complete grouch, and I still only got a peck for a kiss... what is up with that?
I crawled out of bed at 4:00 AM just to go and spend some snuggle time with my baby, and it does not seem like she appreciated it at all... She did not even call me after she got settled into work to say that she was glad I came over or anything.. Maybe I am just whining about the whole thing, but it does bother me. She says how she wants me to put her first, but when I try, it seems like I get a slap on the nose, like some hyper puppy, for my efforts.
I enjoyed being there with her, just snuggled up to her in the bed. While she was asleep, it did seem like she was glad I was there. That was nice, but before and after, it was not so nice... I don't know, maybe I will try again -- one day...

---- Update -----
She texted me about 11:00.. She did apologize and I told her how the whole thing mad me feel. I guess she thought I was attacking her, but we got that strait too.... It sucked, the grumpieness, but I did enjoy laying with her...

June 13, 2006

2006-06-14T10:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like Lady S and I are falling apart. I think back to how things used to be, when she wanted to 'be with' me every chance she could. She would go out of her way in order to do it. Now, we havn't been together for 6 weeks. I know there are issues that keep us from being together, but it is still very frustrating, especially given how things were.

It also does not help that we are 'not together' That is fuckin killin me! I hate it. Basically I have to act just like we are together, except anytime anything comes up, she reminds me we are 'not together' But if I do anything, or if she thinks I do anything, then she gets upset about it. It is all so damn confusing......

Defloweration

2006-06-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

I am still having those wierd sexual dreams, last night was a good one... There was this young girl - just made 18 and still a virgin - who had a crushh on me and wanted me to be her first. I said no and immediately told Lady S about it, and she said she wanted to meet her.. She then planned out an entire day that ended when she and I deflowered the young thing together :) It was a good dream.

Maybe thesee dreams are due to some sexual frustration or maybe I really am a freak! who knows...

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-06-09T05:30:00.000-05:00

It is my birthday. I am 31 years old today.... Yeah!! (not) Really, it's just another boring day in my life... I can't say that I am looking forward to it. I will be glad when it is over. The sooner it is over, the sooner tomorrow will be here... Of course, I feel that way about a lot of days... lol So far, it has not gotten off to a very good start... Lets see how it progresses along..

Jamaica

2006-06-09T05:21:00.000-05:00

Lady S has just accepted an all expense paid trip to Jamaca. Her friends are offering to pay everything for her to go with them to a very nice resort. She has to come up with nothing. We should all be so lucky as to have friends like that...

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, and ironically, I probably had a lot to do with her choosing to go on the trip.

1st, I am really excited for her. It is not every day that you have this kind of opportunity. You should take it whenever it is available. She is going to have a blast.

2nd, I am jealous. She is getting to go on a very nice (free) vacation, and I am not. I am going to be stuck here with nothing fun to do, and no one to do it with... I am also jealous of how much time she will be spending with her friends. I am already jealous of that a little. It seems whenever she does blow me off, it is usually to hang out with these particular friends. I know it is mostly irrational, but that is how I feel...

Oh well, it does not matter... the arrangements have been made. I hope she has a wonderful time. I will have my hands full anyway. That is the week my children will be coming home, so I will be busy shopping for school clothes and such, and trying to get back into a rhythem....

Freak Alert!!

2006-06-09T04:56:00.000-05:00

I don't know what snapped when I had the piercings, but I seem a little different. I cannot believe I had several strange women in the room with me while I was exposed so. That is so unlike me. Or it was, anyway.... Now I seem to not have that much of a problem showing it to anyone. My neighbor got a peek just the other day, and I am slightly upset that I have not had the opportunity to show it to anyone else since... lol that is so funny...

One of Lady S' friends is a swinger, and she expressed some interest in me (to Lady S.) 1 year ago, I would have been totally disinterested in the whole thing. But now, I am a little interested and a lot flattered. I don't think I could ever go through with something like that, but it is very nice to know that she is interested... Besides, I don't think Lady S' and my relationship could withstand something like that at this time...

At any rate, it is right in line with a lot of dreams that I have been having lately. I never dreamed about this couple, but it is the same 'kind' of dream. In the dreams, I am extremely turned on by the whole thing, but I am also a little hurt by seeing Lady S with someone else. Not to mention the fact that I have not done that sort of thing, and I have no idea what is acceptable and what is not, so I would be so scared that I would do something taboo... I guess I should just chalk it all up as sexy, perverted dreams and leave it at that. But I do like those dreams most of the time..

Piercings

2006-06-09T04:48:00.000-05:00

First of all, I love my piercings!!! I think they are great. I just wish they would hurry and heal, so I can get on with things... ;)

It was a dark and stormy night.- Seriously, it rained on me all the way there nearly. I went strait over to my girls house, Lady S, cause she is taking me to a place she knows and trusts (cause I don't want just anyone shoving holes in me). She arranges a sitter and off we go, rain and all. The trip down was a little unnerving, but that is a different story :)

Any way, we get there and she calls her friend, who incidentally wants to watch this whole process. I am a little shy, so this is kinda a big deal. Infact, Lady S was doubtful if I would even let her in the room... So, they meet us at the shop, Unique Jewels (this is a small shop, and I highly recomend it. Gretchen was extremely professional and instantly set me at ease) Ok, her friends show up. Notice I said friends with an s. There is her friend, her husband and daughter (18) and another friend of theirs which neither of us had met. We go through the books to find just the right piercing to do. I had an idea of what I wanted, but I still needed to see all of the options available. So here I am with several women that I have never met looking at pictures of male genetalia, getting their input on what I should have done..The funny thing is, I was not uncomfortable or nervous at all...

No it starts getting fun. Gretchen (with her very CoonAss accent) announced "Shawn, thake your shirt off and come on in here" At this point, I was actually embarassed. I did not want to pull my shirt off infront of these strangers lol That is too funny. I headed for the room and when I looked around, all the women were in the room with me, including 1 I still don't know who she was. That was a little odd for me, but I 'CowBoy'd Up' and pulled off the shirt. It was just a little chilly at first lol

I trooped on, and consequently, became a little more comfortable.... Here you can see Gretchen giving me the rundown on what is about to happen...

Alright, in to the chair and on to the nipples... I am a little worried, cause they are going to hurt way worse thatn the other..... But that is allright. I am a MAN and I casn handle this ... Just look how calm and collected I am, really I can do this...

They clamped on and I smiled away. This is nothing... I could do this all day long...

Now she has to push that big ass needle through. lol but I got this... I can do it... I tensed up, but nothing showed on my face, NOTHING... I am a MAN and I got this! And for those freaks that want penetration, this is the best you are getting...

Now that my nipples are poked full of holes, I am ready to move on to bigger and better things, well better any way..... Here is gretchen fully enjoying her job, drawing on my Willie! I still can't believe I dropped trou.. with all these women in the room that I do not know...

OK, The Clamp.... a little pinch, but nothing unbearable at all... I am still a MAN after all. I got this!

Holy Crap! That freakin HURTS like a Mother F#@&er. What the hell was i thinking. This is way freakin worse than the nipples even thought about being... My goodness, how long does it take to push the damn need through anyway? To Hell with being a MAN I want my mommy! lol

Shit, now what? What do you mean you still have to push the jewelry through!? Crap!

Whew! I am glad that is done! All in all it wasn't so bad... I will never do that again! but it wasn't so bad... I had a really good time! It was fun with everyone one there. Hell, I had 4 strange women with their faces 5 inches from my little Wee Wee. ( and trust me, when she came out with the dang needle, it was definatel trying to hide... lol) Once I got over the initial embarassment (which did not take long) It was actually fun having them all in ther trying to look at me... lol Nothing wrong when beautiful women want to see you naked......

Just a word of advice to you guys though. If you go do this, and you have strange women in the room, go ahead and pul;l the pants all the way off. It was actually a little more embarassing for me cause I just pulled them down, and I felt kinda like a school kid in the nurses office for my first physical.... lol Oh, and if you do it, definately make the drive to Thibadeaux and see Gretchen at Unique Jewels right off Hwy 1

Ya'll have a beautiful weekend, I gotta go heal!

Shit

2006-05-29T23:24:00.000-05:00

I guess that is that.... She can't deal with GM being my friend and I can't deal with not feeling like I am wanted.... Maybe one day in the future things will be different. I am not going to count on it, but maybe one day.........

29 May 2006

2006-05-29T23:05:00.000-05:00

.... from earlier today
OK, Today was not such a good day. Lady S is mad at me cause my friend GM wanted to take me to dinner for my birthday, which is in a few days. It was a very good dinner too. Any way, Lady S seems to think GM wants me. This is so not true! But you can't tell her that. No matter what, she is not going to believe me. I guess that is my own damn fault, but that does not make it any less frustrating. She also thinks I put GM first all of the time. My question is "If GM wants me so bad, and I want her (I must if I am putting her first) the why the hell aren't we together?"

It is just so damn frustrating trying to be with her, but I want to feel like she wants me too. I just am not feeling that very often. Usually i feel like a neghbor or something when I am around her. I just don't feel like she wants me any more...

Dreams

2006-05-27T15:44:00.000-05:00

I have been dreaming a lot lately. Mostly sexual in nature. That is odd, because I never used to have those kinds of dreams. Not even as a teenager. Infact, I think I have had only 5 of those kinds of dreams before this year. Now, it is almost every night. They worry me a little because of what I dream. Usually it includes me and Lady S. Sometimes it is Lady S and someone else. Or there are three of us (or more). It is kind of wierd that I can feel myself so turned on in the dreams and a little hurt too. Sometimes in those dreams we get kinda nasty :) I like having those dreams...

27 May, 2006

2006-05-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

I had a good time last night. I drank, but not too much. Good thing too, or the old women would have had their way with me.... :( I don't know what was in the water, but it was scary. And why the hell did Big D leave me hanging like that with that old bitch grinding all over me?! I did not want to be mean to her, and ruin her good time, but that was really wierd. I don't know, I guess I could have made her week by dancing with her. It would not have killed me, But I wasn't that drunk ... yet.

Now, when the other old broad wanted to dance (clean this time thankfully) I was drunk enough. But she tried to get me to leave and head to another club. I don't think so! So I told her I would meet her there :) Oops... Oh well, I did have a really good time. That is what maters...

26 May, 2006

2006-05-27T09:50:00.000-05:00

OK I have taken the kids to their mom. Lady S was nice enough to drive part way back (like half) We were so exhausted when we got to her house that we just crashed. The next morning, I asked (cause I was a little confused) whether I was spending the day with her or not. She said "If you want to." so I did. Then Monday, I was bored out of my head by myself, so I asked if I could come over and bring her a coloring book that she wanted (isn't that cute) I ended up staying like an hour and a half, but maybe saw her for like 10 min... I know it was late, but... Tuesday, I asked if I could come over and watch american Idol with her. I did not get a very warm response to that, but she agreed. It was good, but she was really into it. She did talk to me some, especially near the end. Then we watched house, and I drove home and went to bed... Wednesday was TKD, so no Lady S for me that night. Thursday I was available, but it was family night at the local festival and she was there with her family.

Tonight, I am at home, bored to death again. I hope she will call and invite me over for a while, but it does not look like that will happen. She seems to be in a really bad mood because she can't find a sitter and go back out to the festival. I do hope she invites me over soon. I am missing her . I guess i could ask to see her. but that kind of feels like begging - especiall after this past week. We shall see.....

... Big D just IM'd me about going out. I don't really feel like it though. I am kinda not in the mood. But, maybe it will be fun. Now that I think about it, why shouldn't I go out with my friend. I am going to do it, besides, he is paying :)

20 May 2006

2006-05-21T20:50:00.000-05:00

I have no idea why I was so upset last night about her getting poked. I definately do not feel that way now. In fact, I am kind of excited by it now. Lately, my emotions kind of bounce like that. It sucks, cause I made an ass of myself for something that will be very nice. I was (and still am) disapointed that I did not get to go, but its nothing like yesterday. I feel kind of silly about it now. But am really excited by the thought of spending time with her.

I am going to miss the kids, and they are going to miss me too. A will especially. He has started writing in his journal. I hope he is OK without me. It will be nice to not have to worry with the day to day stuff for a while, but I will definately miss my hugs and kisses every night.

I know the drive will be tough with the kids, the do like to fuss and argue. Good thing I only have to drive half way. I really don't want to get angry with them on the way...

19 May 2006

2006-05-19T18:45:00.000-05:00

Well, at least I was able to sleep last night. I feel better because I told Lady S, but I feel bad because I think she thinks I want that other girl. I don't. I was briefly arroused by her when I thought things between Lady S and I were going nowhere. Then, I guess I was not as firm with my refusal as I should have been in the hopes that she would be there if things with Lady S fell completely apart. I am ashamed of my lack of faith in the two of us. I should have been stronger than that.

Lady S did tell me last night that her friends want her to eat dinner and then go get pierced again. I was upset. We had talked about that and it is something I wanted to do with her. I want one myself and wanted to do it together (Since I will never go alone ) Oh well, I know its her friends and she hasn't seen them in forever. I guess I would feel better if ther were paying for it. That way I could say it was the money and that was the reason she did not want to wait and do it with me... I guess if I look at it, she has no reason to wait on me. I have done enough that I am surprised she told me and didn't just do it. But that is not like her. Any way, I gave my blessing :) and that is that. She is still planning on going with me tomorrow, so I will possibly get a peek at them. Not sureif I will or if I want to just yet

The kids were really excited this morning. They can't wait to go to Georgia. I hope they are not too disapointed by their mom. I want to take them to the fair tonight. Let them have some fun before they go.

Ok, just talked to Lady S again. Now she does not know if she is going to go and get that done. She does not have a sitter. I don't know how I feel about that yet...

Ok, talked to her again, and she is going to do it. I had a knot in my stomach as she told me. I was a little upset about it.. I did not want her to go without me. I wanted to be with her and we both could do it. she doesn't believe I will. and I guess I probably won't now. I did not want to let her know how I felt cause I was afraid that she would change her mind for athat reason. I didn't have to worry about that. Then she explained some of her reasons for doing it and I felt a little better. not a whole lot. I still wanted to go through it with her. She says I can be ther for the tatoo, but its not the same. Then she said maybe she could go with me and have something else done, but I think she is just offering that because she knows I am upset. I don't think she really wants that at all.

Took the kids to the fair tonight. That was cool. the kids had a great time. they both wanted to ride their first scary ride, "the Bullet", so of course, I had to ride with them. Did I mention that I am afraid of heights! It wasn't too bad for me cause B started sliding out of her seat and I was concentrating on holding her in... Then they wanted to do it again. This time it was just me and B, A road with a friend of his. It wasn't so hard to keep B in place that time.. It was a great night. I think the kids will remember having fun with Daddy.

18 May, 2006

2006-05-19T18:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know the dates don't match - So sue me :)

I just told the kids that they would be spending the summer in Georgia. They are so excited. Beth asked if they could sleep with me the last 2 nights before they go. Of course I said yes. I kind of feel bad that I am looking forward to them being gone. I know I will miss them very badly after the first few days, but I realy need a stress break and I know there is no way I can afford day-care in the summer time.

I dread that long trip, but at the same time, I am excited. Lady S and I will be thogether for hours. That excites me and scares me too. I want to be near to her, but I don't want to screw up things like I have been. She said today that I must have feelings for that other girl or I would not have kept it (the calls and msgs) under my hat like I did. I have been thinking about it, and I think she is right. But not serious feelings. I do feel guilty cause she seems so naieve and innocent - and i feel like I took advantage of that.

Also, from some of the things she has said, I am a tad bit thoughtful about what sex would be like. I think she could be fun for a little while, but nothing longterm was ever possible. I think she is eager and willing to please, which is what makes the thought of sex so tempting, and is also what makes the longterm impossible. She is too willing, almost needy. All in all, I am not sure if I would be with her, if ther was no Lady S in my life. I know that it could not last at all, so it would have to hurt her. That said, I probably would not, if I had a chance to think about it.

It disturbes me to realize that Lady S is so tuned into me. she is always right when it comes to my thoughts and feelings and emotions. I know that I would never be able to keep anything from her. What I did, I would just feel some urge to tell her in my own foolish, clumbsy way. I hate that and I love it at the same time, Like I do so many things about her. But it is always more love than hate. Always