Here goes. I guess 1st of all... I have barely spoken to Lady S (yes that means we did talk - or chat rather- for only a moment.. I aplogized to her for what I had posted on the other site and we talked about why i did it.. Wat it boiled down to is that I was hurt and needed to be angry to let go. I never should have posted that for everyoe to see, but I did... We have not talked much since ( I think1 other time).
My life has been super crazy! Work is kickin my ass. It seems like all of my clients had ajor IT meltdowns last month. I worked strait through the long New Years Weekend - 8 hrs Sat, 11hrs Sunday, and 3 rs Monday..... Not to mention all the stress with the 'other' client that is a total pain in my ass.... I hope they pay their bill this time.... I even had a co-worker agree to help me out on Sunday then back out at the last minute - after I had already made plans based on it... It wasnt pretty - especially after he started cursing me... :) I recovered though, without embarassing myself to much... Ended up talking about this with HR - Not my idea, but he likes to be a whiney ass and if someone is going to threaten me (with management) then I say lets get all the cards on the table, so I called the HR meeting.... It didn't go so well for him... sadly, he is still employed, but at the rate he is going, it won't be for much longer :)
At the same time, I cannot find any one to watc my children... I know it was New Years Eve... Did they think I wanted to work? I was asking them to watch the kids during the day, til 7 pm .. they would still of had plenty of time for their parties or whatever shit they had planned... 1 supposed friend - 1 I had gone out on a limb for several times (and who has let me down before) couldn't because she was at a friends house and I did not give her enough notice.... Another friend did not want to upset her EXHusband ?? WTF That is what divorce is fore.. 1 friend was getting speakers put in her vehicle, and another just plain said no - no plans just not watching them.. Its not like I was asking them to do it for free... I was paying... and I have been told that I pay my sitters too much.. So why the hell couldn't my friends help me out??? I barely talk to them anymore.. I guess they can just go get fucked!
All this did teach me something though, You can't count on anyone... Your friends wil always be there for you -- until you need them. Your Co-workers are worthless, Management is just as bad... A person will be a lot happier if he never expects anyone to do what they should do - that way he will never be disappointed.
On the other front... I am very confused... I have been seeing a lady... Lets call her Pearl. Pearl is younger than me, very sweet, very innocent, and very pretty... She loves my kids, and my kids love her. She genuinely cares for me, she wants to spend time with me, she loves to come over and just hang out with me, and she understands that I can't just go out whenever I want.... On top of that, she just got a really great job too.. She is perfect, except for one thing.... I dont thing I want to be with her... Don't get me wrong, I enjoy myself when I am around her. I like sitting on the couch watching a movie with her in my arms... But when the phone rings, its not her that I hope is on the other end... To make matters worse, I can't make her stay away. I am lonely. She fills a certain void in my life and I dont want it to be empty again... I believe that she is NOT the one, but at the same time she is someone...
I really do care a lot about Pearl, I hope she will be my friend for a long time to come, which makes this even more complicated... I don't want to hurt her. I guess that is the only thing that is keeping me from trying to sleep with her (or it was) I know if I do, It will mean a lot to her..... a lot! I am not ready for that responsibility... I have told myself that I will not take that step until I love her. That day will probably never come.
One of the other issues with her is that she is too innocent, and I am not. She really has no idea how to deal with people.... The other night we were laying together, and she was talking about an old bfriend.. some where in the conversation she said "Do you know what erectile dysfunction is? Thats a big reason I didnt want to see him." -- that hurt... She had no Idea, but I suffer from it too (though I think mine is mostly in my head) As it is right now, I don't know if I could sleep with her if I wanted to... That one comment hurt sooo bad.... I don't know if I will ever be able to forget it. And I am sure I will always remember it at the worst times!
Now, like I said, when the phone rings, I never hope its her... I have quit hoping for Lady S, cause I know she aint callin... But I do hope Karen is calling - even though I have never met her. I have tried, but something always happens... Dead phone, crazy ex, and sick children have all conspired to keep us from meeting... Not to mention that that phone keeps dieing when I want to talk to her... So not a lot of talking and not face to face, but I am attracted to her and I don;t even know what she looks like.... How wierd is that? We will probably never meet, but that would just be par for the course with me...... My love life is so FUBARed....
That brings us to my little Buckeye girl... She is very interested, kinda jealous and VERY far away... I like talking to her, but I am not willing to enter a relationship that can not work out... I do not plan on moving to Ohio nor do I plan on only having someone around twice a year... It upsets her if she thinks I am around other women... so I try not to tell her about it when I am.... I encourage her to date, so she might meet someone, but I think she is holding our for me..... She wants to visit. but I am not sure if that is a good idea....
See, my life really is screwed up!!!!!!
posted by Mr. Mom @ 9:32 PM
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