Lady S
I have been thinking about you lately... Not like before when I was thinking about being with you.
Now I am thinking about how big of an asshole I am. That business with Matt and marriage hit me
hard. I have no right to be angry, but I was. I have no right to be hurt, but I was. I lashed out. I
was mean and hurtful. I was wrong. I do hope he makes you feel like you made me feel, but only
like you did the first month. If he truely makes you happy, then good luck and I hope ya'll make a
go of it. We never would have worked. It would have collapsed eventually any way. I am sorry
that I cannot be your friend. It still hurts to talk to you (atleast it did the last time I tried) and I
cannot do it. Its better this way I guess... You deserve better than what I gave you. You deserve better than the grief I still give. From the bottom of my heart, I appologize for every comment that has hurt you. For every moment of silence where I should have spoken up. For every ill feeling that I ever felt towards you. For not being big enough to be your friend.
Be happy, be healthy, and be good to your family. Maybe as time passes we can be friends. but that is a big maybe and a good ways in the future.
Loving You Always.
Shawn
I can't get my ex girlfried out of my head... I still love her. I have tried to, but I can't.. She has a new man now, but I still want to be with her. She talks to me, and I get the feeling she is jealous. Why would she be jealous if she does not want to be with me? Why would she want to talk to me - even though her new beau can't stand the thought of us talkin?
I thout there might still be a chance. Even if just a small one. I went to her Myspace and what do I see.. a note from him "thanks for wanting to be my wife" I was floored... so I try to talk to her about it.. she is on the phone with him, and can't spare me 5 min for atleast 3 or 4 hours (I should have took the hint there) So I wait.... 3 1/2 hrs later I start typing her a letter.. I did not know what to do with it at teh time, so I slept on it...
I did finally talk to her the next morning (this morning) and what did she say... "I am marrying him." I guess that is all I needed... I hate to throw the letter out, so I will post it here.
=====
Dearest Shandra….
I know not where to begin, so I will begin with this. I love you. I don’t know how to explain it. There are nights I wake with your name on my lips, evenings I drowse thinking of holding you, and mornings I wake with tears in my eyes. I had hoped that this would pass. That it would, at least, get a little easier - that I would not love you. It isn’t working. I do. I have. And I always will.
I know you found yourself someone else. I guess I hoped that it was just to spite me, or that it was just because you did not want to be lonely. From the looks of your page this evening, I would say that I was wrong – very… I had come to the decision this morning as I awoke with tears in my eyes; that it does not matter about Matt, or about my pride, or anything else. It only matters that I still love you and still want to be yours. I had decided to try little things… I wanted to ask you to a movie. If that went well, maybe dinner or the Renaissance festival in Hammond. I wanted to give you the opportunity to know, deep down, that I still love you. I wanted to do all of the things I neglected the first time around. This morning it did not matter if it took 6 months to get a kiss or a year to hold you… this morning all that mattered was that I love you. That I could not continue like I have been… That I am not just lonely for the touch and affection of a woman, but that I am missing you.
Its funny how one little line can change things… I am not saying that all these things are not still true, it’s just that, if you are serious about marrying him, then there isn’t anything for me… If you want to spend your life with Matt, then I was wrong. If you truly want to be his wife, then he isn’t filling the void I left, I was filling a void till he came along.
Still, I do not know what is true or not. Sometimes when we talk I feel like there is still something there. You have said that it feels “unfinished” ant I think that is the truest statement ever uttered. I know you visit my page and when I hear you mention a blog or comment, I feel an excited flutter in my chest. I wonder if it is truly over, or if it is waiting for a better time. Maybe it is waiting for me to be the kind of man you deserve.
I don’t know what to do with this. I was hoping I could talk to you tonight. Its 12:30, so I don’t know if it will happen or not… If not, I guess I will have to decide what to do with this stupid letter J maybe I should just delete it… Maybe I should send it to you… Maybe tomorrow will bring clarity.
Loving You Always.
Shawn
P.S. Just so you know, this isn’t all prompted by what I saw.. I had decided these things before… In fact, I only saw it because I had come to the decision that nothing else mattered …
====
O K that was my letter.. not the beautiful speech I had planned but it will have to do... I guess now she can just shove it up her ass....
