+++ Tears On The Palm Of My Hands +++

Why???
Thursday, August 24, 2006

She contacted me today... She said she was sorry for the way things have been and said she needed to take some time. What is the point in telling me that? What does it matter if she needs a day, a week, a month or a year.... It ended. she now has all the damn time she needs. She already has demonstrated that she does not want me.. All she did was manage to make me think about her again... that sux causee I have been trying hard not to... Oh well... Back to square one!

I ended it... but only after she did
Monday, August 21, 2006

I wrote her a letter yesterday. It was pointless I guess. I was breaking up with her. A definate break. None of this I don't know shit. I say it is pointless, as I fully believe she broke up with me while she was in Jamaica (though she somehow forgot to tell me). She says our relationship needs too much work. that relationships should not be work. Well tough shit. Ours needed work. We both have issues to overcome. And if she soesn't think it was worth the effort, then fuck her. I aint got time or energy to put up with someone that does not want me, I mean really WANT me. It is a miserable thing to go through life thinking you are not wanted. I have felt like that for too long and I don't intend to feel that way any more. Somebody out there will want me, and the right person wont mind if she has to put some effort into making things right.

As if the letter did not stress me enough, (I delivered it to her door) she finally called after reading it. She has barely bothered to call me since she got back, but suddenly she has the urge to call. I even called before I delivered the msg (she was at her folks house) to let her know I was on my way over. I wanted to give her a nother chance to see me, or talk to me (maybe it is I who wanted to see and talk to her) But she couldn't be bothered with it. -- So anyway she called. I was still at a friends house with the kids swimming. I did not want to do that there., so I told her. She said I could call later. I did, when I left. She couldn't talk. Was having back pain and took something that knocked her out. Said she would call me after bit when she woke up (since she took it at 3 and was out by 4, i fully assumed she would call sometime last night. Wrong again! I can't believe I actually was waiting on her to call. I can't believe I barely slept waiting on her to call again.... Fuck that shit. it is for the birds....

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Well, It has been a long while since I have posted anything. I guess I have gotten away from it for one reason or another, probably not even a single reason at all.. At any rate, I need to vent. A lot! Lady S and I are not together anymore. Says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She left at the beginning of this month to go to Jamaica, I was jealous. I was scared she would do things and it made me jealous... I probably only felt that way because of my own guilt, but I did. I assumed that things would end while she was there. I was feeling very selfconcious and it was making me angry, with myself, but i ended up directing it toward her. I sought to punish her because I thought she was belittleing me. I look back and I don't really think that she was doing anything intentional. She was probably just being affected by all the bad vibes I ws putting off.

Anyway, I treated her like shit. I did not spend time with her when I easily could have and I did not bother calling when I wanted to... I guess I thought I was punishing her. Or maybe I was hardening myself for the coming split. Either way, I was wrong. No sooner than she left did I realize I miss the hell out of her. By the time she got back, I had decided that i never want to be without her. Unfortunately, with 11 days to think about the horrible way I treated her, she kinda decided the opposite. When she came back, she was very cold and stand-offish. When I did get to talk to her, she sounded like she did not want to talk to me. Or that it was an inconvenience. I still have not laid eyes on her since she has been back and have only had a few short phone conversations.

I did write her a letter telling her how I feel, how I was feeling, what I want, and apologizing for the way I behaved... She got it, but really does not have any type of response for me. Other than to say my txt msgs scare her. I think I should probably leave her alone. I am afraid that I really am bothering her, that she really does not want anythiongto do with me anymore. and that she is starting to think I am a stalker....